Yes! I would be a Very Useful Person and walk down to the retirement home across the street from my school to invite them to our event. It would be great and all of the old folks would thank me for thinking of them and all would be well.
As I walked down the driveway of the complex, clutching my clipboard and event invitations, I was blissfully unaware of the horrors I was about to endure. I walked confidently up to the big glass doors and gave a hearty pull. Nothing. Pushed. Nothing. It is then that I noticed the sign:
Upon entering the small foyer, it was immediately apparent that there were 200 eyes on me. The walls inside were glass and everyone was in the cafeteria on the other side, eating dinner. I am already horrendously awkward when I know people are looking at me, so I made a determined stride for the inner door (which probably looked more like a gallop). As I approached the inner door, I saw this:
Slight panic. I started frantically talking out the side of my mouth like I was in a spy movie: "THERE'S A PIN PAD! A PIN PAD!!!" A couple deep breaths later and I resolved to simply turn around and walk out in an "oh what am I doing? I forgot my [very important item] in the car!" fashion. This is a plan that I have excecuted on many occasions when I feel like my awkward is starting to take over my brain. It has never failed me. I abruptly turned around to find this on the inside of the door I came in:
Cue unadulterated panic. I can't get into the inner building and I can't leave. I was in a glass box of terror and I was going to die there. At this point I didn't dare look to the left, at the risk of seeing 200 old people laughing and pointing at me. I did risk a quick glance upwards, to see 3 nurses, completely unconconcerned that I was trapped in their vestibule. Apparently this is how the capture new members for their facility.
At this point I collapsed into fits of hysterics. I was laughing in that crazy way that you can only laugh if you are at a point of dire mental strain. (Or maybe I am the only person who laughs like an insane person when trapped in a fishbowl of horror?) To hide my contorted face and heaving shoulders I turned to "look" at the calendar of events they had posted for about 3 minutes - which does not sound like a long time, but REALLY IS. Here is an approximation of the 3 minute struggle I faced between being insane and trying to get myself together:
The end of my timeline came NOT with me deciding to be a mature adult and knock on the wall to confirm to 200 people that I did not, in fact, intend to get stuck in a vestibule. Instead, a man parked in the driveway. I prayed to Baby J and all his friends that this man was going to come inside and rescue me.
I think I can say with absolute certainty that there has never been another human being to take this long getting out of a car. I stared intently at his car for probably another 2 minutes straight, hoping to burn lazer holes in the side of his car so he would GET OUT ALREADY. Also I hoped that in gazing longingly out the window I was portraying an air of waiting for somebody (and not one of a Trapped Person). FINALLY he came and pressed the red button and I made my escape. In hindsight I should have said thank you to him, but I think I was mad at him for taking 13 years to get out of his car.
Nearly every person I have told this story to in real life has had the same question for me: why didn't I just knock at the door? I am not even sure if I can fully do justice to the awkwardness of the situation I was in. I DID make eye contact with more than one nurse, and none seemed too concerned that I was stuck. I felt like if I were to knock it would only draw more attention to myself by people who clearly did not care that I was their prisoner.
And so that is my tale of shame and misery which inspired me to start a personal blog again.
Edit: I have just realized that I wrote all of this down and somehow left out my friend Matt, who was with me on this quest. He composed himself slightly better than I did, but my hysterics were contagious so I think maybe it was my fault he was also dragged down into the pits of awkward. Sorry Matt.
